Dear John by Juliana Vargas (First posted Myspace Blog December 2007)

****Disclaimer: The characters depicted here are a composite of several different people and experiences. Any likeness to any person, living or dead is purely coincidental. ****

For Lizzie, with love.


Dear John,

I can still remember the day I first laid my eyes upon you. You weren't that special. Maybe you possessed one or two special qualities. Beautiful eyes, mouth with lips begging to be kissed. Maybe it was your hands, so large and strong or your legs so lean and long.

I mean, there really was not one special thing. We spoke for an hour or ten minutes or a month and it was over that span of time that your soul called to mine. I broke down, defenses weakened by the silky sound of your voice, the look in your eyes or was it your beautiful mind. I don't really recall, it was something though. Something about you.

Maybe it was the way you kissed me that first day, or was it night. Was it your humor or was it the silly fight we had over shaved legs. Maybe it was about what bottle of wine to buy for our first night together. I can never really remember.

I just know it's all a blur, the way you made my brain just spin and my body ache. The way your voice sounded so sweet in my ear, breathless with wanting. "This is mine". How can I ever forget you saying that? And it was, all yours for the taking. Sweet and aching body and heart and soul.

The feel of our flesh twisted around one another. The wrap of your legs as we wrestled on sheets of luxurious cotton, or maybe it was silk, or were we on the floor of your apartment that first time? I don't care. I just remember your hands wrapped in my hair and the smell of your breath breathing life into my helpless mouth. Helpless to stop you, helpless to say no to anything you asked of me.

You asked me to come when I was so far away and I spent all day and night and week planning out the fine details of our reunions, or sometimes you would just show up in the middle of the night. No, I remember, you just asked me to stay with you forever. I did, for a year or two or five or ten worth of forevers. It was better and worse than I had ever imagined.

I drowned every day in your eyes so brown, or were they blue or green. I think they were just the color of my dreams of you and I together. Your lovemaking made me light as a feather and I floated through every moment, unaware. So terribly unaware.

Then one night you called, or did you come, or was I already there. All I know is you were so very, very far gone. Not the man I loved at all, but some shrieking, capering, cocaine snorting fool. My love took a blow that first night, but I joined right in with you, because I wanted to be whatever, whoever, wherever you were.

The habits, the fighting and the sadness just weighed heavier on my heart. Much heavier than the way I felt without you. I cried for you. Missed your beautiful soul, your sweet, breathless kisses and your stunning mind. It was drowning in wine, beer, weed or coke. Maybe it was all of the above. Sometimes the ugliness would surface, surely and swiftly, all on it's own, without any help at all. And I wanted to not be alone, not with you and not without.

Then one day, it was over. I left or I begged you to stay, maybe we just finally faded away. I do know you had found another lover. I seem to recall she was already there for awhile by the time we ended. Most likely there was more than one. Was she a mistress in a bottle or in your bed? I believe she was your wife at home and having your babies, it was I who was the mistress instead. All I know now is that I made a mistake. Falling for you the way I did, head over fucking heels. Red ones, they were just the color you liked.

Maybe I still love you, maybe I still don't care that you were bad for me all along. I just never saw it. I don't have time for regrets, but yet, here they are. I sometimes cry, in the shower, in my bed or in my car. I mourn the you I had, the you I loved and lost. Yet somehow, I know, we are better for our love and better for the loss.